Prisoner in the House
Written by mv Friday, 30 October 2009 01:06
Kathryn has a transportation issue with her au pair and is looking for some ideas to alleviate this problem.
I am a single mom, newly divorced with 2 kids, 3 and 7 years old, one each. Maddie has been a good au pair and things have been working pretty well over the last 2 – 3 months.
We live in a smaller town, about 40 minutes outside of a big city in the west. I only have one car. Maddie knew about that before she came to live at our house. I did talk with her about getting the use of the car only rarely, and said that I would be bringing her to the bus stop and picking her up again. I did want to make sure that she understood that I only had one car and the limitations that come with that. I can’t give her the car much, what if I have an emergency and the only car is not available. She was fine with all of that.
I have been doing my best and have been helping Maddie out with her social life by driving her to the bus stop, and to a couple of monthly au pair activities. On a few other occasions a couple of her au pair friends, and a young American guy have been picking her up and dropping her off at my house. So far so good it looked like to me.
Then she came to me complaining that she is ‘a prisoner in the house’.
She is unhappy because she can’t go out like she wants to, she always has to depend on me to drive her, she always has to ask me for a ride, and that she has NO choice but to ask other au pairs for a ride, which makes her very uncomfortable to impose on others, including me.
A prisoner in the house, she repeated a couple of times.
Maddie is clearly unhappy with the situation.
And I don’t know what to do. I can’t afford another car. Money is tight as it is with infrequent child support coming my way.
Any thoughts out there on how to fix this problem?
Comments
Is there a chance that she can go to the busstation by bike? Or use a taxi in the evening to come home?
Just picking up on your ideas.
You can't send an abulance for all kinds of emergencies. Keep in mind that emergencies don't have to be medical all the time. A friend can be in trouble, you left something behind that you urgently need.
Using a bike to get to the busstation doesn't seem a good idea at this time of the year. It's too cold in most parts of the USA and winter is close. Taxi would be pretty expensive if you do it all the time. And au pairs only get 5.75 each month.
I would suggest to Kathryn that her au pair relies more on her other friends and offers them money for each trip. And I think that Kathryn sounds carin enough that she is driving her sometimes to wherever, Maddie's friends should be able to bring her back.
Or maybe she can do an overnighter where Kathryn either dropps her off or picks her up from the friends/au pairs house.
I think with a little compromise this could be worked out.
Thats a joke? And how do you think would that change the situation? This girl will leave even faster to live in a big city were she has a great public transport system.
And to everyone who considers becoming an au pair and talking to host families: Please make sure that you fully understand what compromise you are accepting. I'm under the impression that many agree to everything, worried that otherwise they would not be invited. You can say 'no' to certain things you don't like and still find a good host family.
I would suggest you try to set a side a night, (regular each week) that the au pair will be able to use the car, she can then use this night to make plans and get herself out without feeling like she is imposing on anyone. You should also talk to your counselor, she will know the schedules and driving habits of other au pairs in the group, she can get your au pair together with the ones who do drive so that they can arrange a carpool of sorts with your au pair contributing to gas $$ if necessary. Even though it is coming into winter, is their a bike she can use, she does not have to go anywhere on it, but just getting out for a bike ride is freedom.
Sit down and discuss all of both of your options and see where that takes you.
Best of luck!
It really would behouve this au pair to show some consideration for her host mom, rather than doing nothing but thinking about herself. Life for Kathryn has got to be difficult, newly divorced, she is forced to work full-time with 2 small kids, and money coming in irregularly. Maddie really should act a little bit more mature. I wouldn't want such an egotistical au pair working for me and taking care of my kids.
And Bayley has got it right. In some cases it is just better to get a non-driver. As long as your kids don't have to be shuttled back and forth, it's often the better way to go.
Good luck Kathryn!
Dawn
Since she does have au pairs and other friends to fall back on it really shouldn't be such a big point of discussion. There are plenty other au pairs that don't have access to a car and they manage as well. It's not the end of the world, even if she feels like she is in 'prison'. Why be so dramatic, she does get out of the house. . .
She tried to negotiate some sort of amicable solution with Maddie. The cluster counselor came to the house, trying to mediate a solution. But Maddie kept insisting that she was 'a prisoner in the house'.
The cluster counselor took her out of the house. And Kathryn is getting a live-out nanny. She feels that au pairs are not the right solution for her family at this point. I am hoping that Kathryn will change her mind. If you find the right au pair, one with more compassion for the host mom's situation, it could be a great solution for Kathryn. And there are so very many great au pairs out there.
Kathryn, we wish you best of luck.
mv