Au pair Selection Advice

What a mess!!! I really feel for you. And suggest that you talk to your au pair right away. Tell her to stop gossiping about your personal life once and for all. If she doesn't comply - replace her. I'm sure you will have the full support of your LCC.

For down the road, I strongly believe that au pair programs have to update their policies to comply with the current times of people and organizations losing their privacy do to internet social sites. Au pairs and host parents too, should not be allowed to publish personal information about each other unless they have written authorization to do so. Being 'a friend' on Facebook does not give one a green light to just pen away any private details about someone else without consequences.

You need to talk to your au pair and let her know how you feel. Explain to her how embarrassed and humiliated you feel when you see on Facebook what she write about you and your family, tell her how difficult it is for you to deal with the situation already as it is. It’s important for her to understand the differences between things that are ok to share with friends, and the concept of privacy. Like many teenagers she probably has no idea about the lack of privacy on internet, and the consequences of writing info on such public place. It’s time for her to get educated, and you certainly can teach her a lot.

I'm a au pair outside from Seattle. I'm the only au pair in this small town. So my cell phone and Facebook is how I talk to the other au pairs. And I write on Facebook about what is going on with my host family. I mean this is my life right now and I write about my life. My host parents have fights and they upset me. When I write about it it makes me feel better. If they don't want me to write about it they should not fight. So I don't see something wrong.

Au pairs do talk about their host families when they get together, but conversations are usually limited to how they're getting along with the kids and parents. I never heard anything to this extent when I was an au pair, nor have I seen any of my au pair friends post anything on Facebook about the goings on in their households. As far as we were concerned, what happened at home stayed at home. Having said that, your au pair should know better than to broadcast your personal situation to the world, and I think you should discuss that with her. Tell her how difficult this situation is for you, and that you would appreciate it if she could be more discrete about what is happening at home. Tell her how her actions are affecting you. If it boils down to a mere difference in cultural beliefs, let her know that Americans handle these things more discretely, and that you would prefer to keep this situation as discrete as possible.

Now, consider the reasons why she may be broadcasting your situation to the world. Cultural issue or not, this is an awkward situation for any au pair, especially one who may have never experienced separation or divorce. You are emitting a lot of negative energy and you're under a lot of stress, which rubs off on her and your kids. It's hard for you and your kids, but it's also hard for her. She's in a foreign country, her family is thousands of miles away, she may not have very many friends, she's in a difficult working environment, and she may not have any other way of getting rid of the stress that comes with being in a tense working situation. Facebook is a connecting tool, and it may very well be her way of dealing with the situation/ connecting with people back home.

When you talk to her, ask her how the situation is affecting her and why she is putting everything up there for the world to see. If she is using Facebook as a way of connecting with family and friends back home/ getting rid of stress,
try getting her involved in local organizations, new hobbies, pottery classes, intramural sports, or the healing arts (yoga, t'ai chi, etc). If you have time on the weekends, include your au pair in a group activity that will help everyone blow off steam, have fun, and most importantly, get a break from this difficult situation. I know you can do it!

I am going to comment on this with a couple of questions.

How would an au pair feel if her host mom or dad talked "in public" about details of her relationship with her boyfriend? Their arguements, the difficult phases they go through from time to time. Tell about the other au pairs that are hitting on him. . . ?

In any relationship, including a working relationship, loyalty and professional discretion are a must, and it seems like, in this case, the Au Pair is forgetting this very important detail. She needs to understand the importance of keeping the privacy of the household to be trusted as a person and as an employee, and the host mother should directly forbid her to continue to share her personal information; this is a trusting relationship and trust goes together with sincerity and loyalty.

I would suggest that if she is going to talk about you and your family she sent it to her freinds in a bulk email, if she feels the need to complain! I just went through something similar where it wasnt my au-pair making comments about our family! It was my au-pairs freind who posted rude comments about me! ( the freind is an au-pair as well ) In fact, after the freind posted the comment, I no longer welcomed her into my home. My au-pair started lying to me about who was driving, who she was with and so on. She is now in a rematch and is leaving next week...Why? because she doesnt feel good about what has happened and she feels that if she went out with her au-pair friend, that post the rude comment that I would not be happy with her. So she felt the need to move on to the next family. If I were you, I would tell her if she continues to post the comments, you will need to find another au-pair! I really would not be nice about it at all.